shift

the day after completing my last post, my professor gave us a task: listen for stereotypes about adolescents. i'm pleased to say i didn't hear any that weekend. unfortunately, i had to look to my own writing to cite such bigotry. equating adolescents to the most abhorred cartoon villain of the 80s (debatable) is a terrible idea. i know i was mostly joking, but mostly implies there is a grain of belief that has the potential to blossom into an entire crop of misconceptions i pretend not to have.

it was shocking to see it there, right on the page blatant and exposed.

exhibit a: "i'll be trembling in front of a bunch of red-eyed 7th grade skeletors in no time."

what it said this time: you have a lot to learn. that made it all the way from your brain to your fingers to its public debut without a second thought.

the troubling part is that i remember how it felt to sit (because that's really all we did) in those classes where we were reminded daily that he-man held the red pen, and the grade book, and could dice us into a million tiny, inferior, adolescent pieces at will. i remember how it felt to nap (because that's really all we did) through those classes where worksheets were hastily dished out, inaccurate cinematic dramatizations of history projected, all in an effort to avert, i daresay fend off, the piercing teenage gaze of insatiable curiosity. how quickly that curiosity turns into incredulous apathy if it's abused. i did have a few questions about josh hartnett's well maintained hair in pearl harbor, but critical thinking? what's that?

so whether the teacher is delivering the blows or shirking from them (*see the time my brother's fifth grade class locked their teacher in the closet), as long as education is portrayed as a battle, the students, as antagonists,it will fail. i will fail.

for five years i've been studying guitar and music in general because i love the content. secondary ed was just that--secondary. i'm entering this paradigm where I realize how unfair and backwards that is to future students. "hey, can you guys just go wait in the hall for the next half hour? i'm just going to lie on the floor and finish transcribing philip glass' 'mad rush' in my head. it'll seriously only take like three more listens."

i do recall the few classes where i felt like a human; an adult in transition, at least. i was greeted by name, asked to have an opinion and then know why i had it. i was asked to think, speak, listen and willingly did so because the content was applied to me directly. i was indulged in my angst (more of the transition part of the adult than the adult part of the transition) and self-discovery, but challenged as i matured. matured because i was expected to. more than that, i was seen and heard.

i can almost, just almost, understand prejudice, racism, etc., because it often stems from discomfort with the foreign, the things that are unlike us--it can be a short sprint from unlike to dislike. usually, one really does not know what it's like to be of another ethnicity, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, religion (a more common exception). but age? i've been 15 before. many of us have. how have i become so disconnected? a mere three and a half years out of teenage-dom and i reign supreme? i think part of it may be that adolescence was a time of insecurity for me. i didn't really like being a teen, so i try to widen the gap between that version of me and who i believe i am now. perhaps that sincere insecurity will run rampant, given the opportunity.

so here it is. it's time for a shift. since i learned to type, i've only used the left shift key on the keyboard, regardless of the location of the letter i wanted to capitalize. this has probably decreased my wpm potential substantially, but it's a pattern i've yet to break. i often shy from capitalization because 1). i like the lowercase aesthetic and 2). capitalization feels static, finite, formal to me--like a word has no room to breathe or evolve. i also enjoy making frenemies of english majors--their insults are so economically cutting. it truly is something to behold. if words could kill...slay me! anyway, with this new shift, this leftward shift, i hope to be as fluid as i profess to be when i sign my name. julia. it will take time, but i think i'll get faster at and more capable of caring about people.

as a teacher, school will be different than it was at 15. i won't be looking for friends. sure, i'll be facing a reservoir of old haunts--but i can't see apparitions of selves past. it's time to see humans. learners. teachers. adults in transition.