"i'm just not ready for this..."

There are three little words that, in combination, are quite nearly lethal. You just got a 75 cent raise, your car freshener finally diffused to the optimal scent:car ratio, and in a rare act of charity your cat let you pet her today. Things are going great. You're happy with your life and why wouldn't you be?... you asked. The universe has a way of conspiring against us if we ask it to, or rather, if we give it permission. It's like praying for patience. Great in theory, agonizing in execution. I think you know the three words I speak of-- life begging for commitment when it feels like you just met. I've stared down this barrel long and hard on several occasions.

"You wanna jam?"

It's code. Morse,....binary,...... jam sesh. Add it to the list. Most musicians encounter it at some point. Fortunately, it's much easier to decipher than these others. One bad experience and I'm afraid you've got it cracked.

How it translates: "I will play as many notes as possible so you will be floored by my undeniable virtuosity, so much so that I will probably not notice when you stop playing. I will play Stairway to Heaven. I will affectionately introduce it as "Stairway," because I am obviously on a first name basis with that tune and you probably won't recognize it--it's not quite up to speed YET. I love the bongos. I only know intros of songs. Anything we play together will run for a minimum of 14 minutes, and include at least five 'yeah, mans.' I have a copy of Classic Rock for Dummies on the back of my toilet. It has only fallen in once. I will overstay my welcome....." etc. etc.

Jam. Such an unassuming word, but this is no piquant spread on your toast. This is a jam more reminiscent of that outlandish grime between the toes, piled on top of your toast in an awful guise--like the Wayans brothers in White Chicks. If you submit yourself to such travesty you will die, or wish you had. Seriously. Don't ever watch that movie. Or tell anyone you play guitar.